Ever since the day I have step into TPJC, I have never picture life as to where I am now. This is not in the sense of being overwhelmed in studies, neither is it about anxiety for exams. However, in the span of just one week, I have realize some things and truth that I have never thought was possible, as well as some things about myself.
Sometimes when you get too obsessed over some tasks, you will never be able to realize how off you are from accomplishing it. It may be that, I'm losing control over what I'm studying, losing my plan over what I am suppose to do. Nonetheless, all this signs do not seem to impress me about the gravity of the situation that I'm in. That's the thing that I never thought was possible. I didn't imagine that I will live to one day see that I'm in a very shape without me knowing myself. I have led a life without ever knowing what it's like to be in hell without knowing. I always know that I'm in trouble, because I haven't study enough or I probably didn't have a plan. What I failed to realize, until yesterday is that, what got me into trouble is not what I don't know. It's what I know for sure that just ain' so. I realize that I always know the source to my problem but it turns out to be wrong. My own problem is my own failure to seek aid. But perhaps I haven't seek aid my entire life that I forgotten how to.
Perhaps. if you ever encounter something that you think is your ultimate victory, it may turn out to be your ultimate defeat. From this I mean events like, if you think doing well for exam is going to make you succeed in every aspect of your life and be complacent afterwards, you're wrong and that thinking will be your undoing. Likewise, the other way can happen too. What you think is your ultimate defeat might turn out to be your ultimate victory. By this I mean my taking up of Geography. I always thought I have taken up the wrong subject due to the mismatch of tutors, after all she really is twisted in her treatment towards me. Never mind this. Rather, my taking of Geography might have been my life saver. For one thing, because of Geography, I have been attracted to aid and aid has come to me.
Rather more surprisingly, perhaps it's been a very very long time since someone has helped me out so sincerely before. It's to an extent that, I really don't know. Maybe all this while of being exposed in a JC environment has been such that, I don't know what's call help anymore. I can't even have a good chat you know. Every conversation is like, so one sided engagement. A paragraph of messages are entertained by a word or two. Help offered are returned with lame gestures or rather, I can actually be made worst off by offering help. Somehow, her help to me was like light coming to me in a light forsaken place. Her words came as nourishments to my aged bone, nutrients for my drained mind, energy for my torn spirit and motivation for my fading confidence. I mean, seriously. I don't know how to thank those who have, so, uh, rather, I have never feel something so genuine before. If anything, she said a lot of things, that I really hope I will never forget. So I'm recording all this now, here.
1) Balance out. Don't too intensive on 1 subject. Spread out. Retain the momentum
2) You're in canoeing right. You know how important it is to spread out your race evenly.
3) You know sleep's important. Everyone got different study pattern. This one is ultimate: "At night you tell the person you study a lot, she said she study none. When early morning she say she study a lot, you say you study none. She study night you study day." HAHA!
4) The closest friend makes the worst study partners(This is wow. I mean like. Exactly the situation I'm placed in. When friendship start tearing apart, you begin to wonder if everything that you have been true is nothing but a dream. Oh well, I'm relieved that someone gone through the same.) I asked her how she study during this period in time. She says she study alone because what friends do is just to stress you out. She expressed what I have express long time ago, to myself. HAHA!
Hmm. I really don't know how to maintain this kind of relationship. I really really hate to ask people for help, much less than ask people for notes. I fear that the outcome would be a relationship built on notes. After examination, everything will just tear asunder. If life has ever taught me anything, I guess it would be the lesson on gratitude. This month, I have written out 10 blog post, halfway through and I lost the inspiration and so I cancel it altogether. The blog after all, is a record of my journey in life. I mean, if not for this event, I want to declare that My A level would be gone! No doubts. I have no seniors in primary and secondary school and I have always criticize the prospect of even having close seniors. However, what this event has taught me is really beyond what words can express. Someone who help you, someone who understand how you feels, someone who have gone through what you're going through now and someone who has the solution for you and most importantly, someone who helped you sincerely. If anything, meeting her is worth more than studying for 10000 hours. If anything, studying can never get you confidence, spirit, strength and courage. I don' know how to express this gratitude to her. The only way I know how to, is by the length of this post. I don't know if I will ever give you my link for you to view this since it's a bit odd out of a guy. But if I do have the courage, don't let your impression of me being someone huge, and fierce, and commanding be changed. ok? Thank you. Anyway, her notes, state this:
"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do, that is the strength of human will. To trust yourself to test your limits, That is the courage to succeed."