This blog is created to honour the end of my Nationals Inter-School Canoe Championship 2009 and the end of a Canoeist Career in Junior College.
The 1st few post will be dedicated towards the setting up of this blog and will convey my thoughts and feeling over the 4 days event to honour the Sports
which I really believe in, fought for, bleed for and gave my life to.
A Middle Finger To You, Life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 @ 9:45 PM
A Middle Finger To You, Life.I can't imagine how fucked 1 day can get. When I'm trying to make an effort to study, I can't. After not packing my bag for 4 months, I make absolutely sure that I bought my physics notes. I tore off the tutorial from the lecture notes. Lesson were at Page 13 today, and my notes? It's until page 12. WHAT THE FUCK! That's as good as not bringing anything at all and to think I have spent so much effort to dig out that piece of junk out of hell.
What's next. It wasn't too long in school when i discovered my house key went missing. What I thought out supposedly to be an early home, to do up the shirt design for Orientation, ended up in a pile of mess. I'm supposed to be home at 4pm today, and, the moment, I know my keys were gone, I knew my day is gone. What suppose to be my only day to catch up on the whole of Maths Distribution, went down the drain. I was too distracted. I went to the library to study at 3:00pm and left at 4:00pm to join my friend for a game of ping pong. When i changed into my PE attire, VINCENT FKING LEE came in and chase us out of the room to conduct PE.
I'm always hoping for my brother to be out of home after staying for 15 days home so that I could blast music. And the moment I'm without my keys, happened to be his only day out. It's okay, I went to my friend's place for some ping pong before discovering that my water bottle too is GONE. We played till 8:00pm before he had to go, and i checked my phone. 7:30pm my brother reply saying that he is heading for home. AND I DID NOT NOTICE THAT MESSAGE? NO SOUND NO VIBRATION in normal mode? I got so angry I slammed my phone on the ground, and I screw up my phone. I screw up the scroller, a very important feature to navigate a touch screen phone. It's officially screwed.
How bad can things get? If Life's gonna present me a middle finger, I'm not gonna give in. You're gonna have to receive a middle finger from me, too. Sometimes it's difficult to just even pull off a smile, when a smile is going to lead you to more troubles.
What's next. It wasn't too long in school when i discovered my house key went missing. What I thought out supposedly to be an early home, to do up the shirt design for Orientation, ended up in a pile of mess. I'm supposed to be home at 4pm today, and, the moment, I know my keys were gone, I knew my day is gone. What suppose to be my only day to catch up on the whole of Maths Distribution, went down the drain. I was too distracted. I went to the library to study at 3:00pm and left at 4:00pm to join my friend for a game of ping pong. When i changed into my PE attire, VINCENT FKING LEE came in and chase us out of the room to conduct PE.
I'm always hoping for my brother to be out of home after staying for 15 days home so that I could blast music. And the moment I'm without my keys, happened to be his only day out. It's okay, I went to my friend's place for some ping pong before discovering that my water bottle too is GONE. We played till 8:00pm before he had to go, and i checked my phone. 7:30pm my brother reply saying that he is heading for home. AND I DID NOT NOTICE THAT MESSAGE? NO SOUND NO VIBRATION in normal mode? I got so angry I slammed my phone on the ground, and I screw up my phone. I screw up the scroller, a very important feature to navigate a touch screen phone. It's officially screwed.
How bad can things get? If Life's gonna present me a middle finger, I'm not gonna give in. You're gonna have to receive a middle finger from me, too. Sometimes it's difficult to just even pull off a smile, when a smile is going to lead you to more troubles.
Everything's aside, I hope I have enough time to finish the task assigned to me - Orientation shirt design, what was intended to be the highlights of today. Fk it, I'm going without sleep - again,
Start with a Resolve, Survive with a frown, End with a smile
Sunday, April 26, 2009 @ 6:08 PM
Start with a resolve, Survive with a Frown, End with a SmileIt makes a lot of sense, since if you don't aim and stick to the resolution, you won't get anywhere. If you don't survive with a frown, you're not trying hard enough, if you don't end with a smile, you know you did not give it your full effort, or because of comfortable reasons like not preparing hard enough.
Today is a significant day. Today is the last official day of canoeing. It's the official end to our career. I have nothing much to say. Though we can't really chance a victory upon T2, somehow I got this inner most feeling, this feeling of being satisfied, this feeling of having understand and seen through many things. Victory, medal, both meant nothing to me. It's not an Olympic Medal or the National Canoe Championship medal. I just happy that, I'm given this chance to race T2 with my partner again. Win or lose, screwed or peaked, every race is a good race. A screwed race, we learn, a peaked race, we embrace. There's nothing too pitiful.
And what about this. No use hiding already. I make this to inspire someone to continue fighting, even though the person might feel that the chances are slim, even though the training sessions are short. Nevertheless, cactus is resilient towards harsh weather condition of high heat and little water, reflecting the tough racing condition of high competition and little welfare. And of course, everything is worth fighting for. Remember it dude, it's for you, specially.
So. It's time to close the curtain with my last breathe.
"One team, one smell, one identity."
I wish this moment would never part with me, I love you canoeists, I swear I do.
Today is a significant day. Today is the last official day of canoeing. It's the official end to our career. I have nothing much to say. Though we can't really chance a victory upon T2, somehow I got this inner most feeling, this feeling of being satisfied, this feeling of having understand and seen through many things. Victory, medal, both meant nothing to me. It's not an Olympic Medal or the National Canoe Championship medal. I just happy that, I'm given this chance to race T2 with my partner again. Win or lose, screwed or peaked, every race is a good race. A screwed race, we learn, a peaked race, we embrace. There's nothing too pitiful.
And what about this. No use hiding already. I make this to inspire someone to continue fighting, even though the person might feel that the chances are slim, even though the training sessions are short. Nevertheless, cactus is resilient towards harsh weather condition of high heat and little water, reflecting the tough racing condition of high competition and little welfare. And of course, everything is worth fighting for. Remember it dude, it's for you, specially.So. It's time to close the curtain with my last breathe.
"One team, one smell, one identity."
I wish this moment would never part with me, I love you canoeists, I swear I do.
Saturday, April 25, 2009 @ 8:15 PM
Thanks, my dear friends, for your portion of your food when i just ordered 1 bowl of rice due to the loss of appetite.
Winnie: Omg, a whole pot of soup. Thank ya. Although food has never left you and you have never left food before, you gave me some. You're noble, far nobler than the Muhammad Gandhi !
Christine: You gave me some though you need 5 meals a day to be satisfied.
Wei Wen: You didn't say, "I'm going to box you" for once when I ordered only 1 bowl of rice. Thanks for your strand of Mee Hoon Kuay, and a few pieces of meat here and there.
Wei Liat: Though you need the essence to sustain your super bicep, you offered me your hot pot.
Muhammad: LOL! You're a joke. you gave me 2 drops of your curry. You're the kindest Malay I seen(I meant real, not sarcastic.)
Calista: Though you never order food, but I'm sure you secretly tell either of them to pass me some. : ) Thank ya
Whenever a battle for pride is concerned, I'm always getting into trouble with myself. It's really not about me. I don't mind not winning, I don't mind losing with glory. But, it is for the team, for TPJC and ultimately... ... it is for my partner, whom i always regarded as a champion, he didn't realise it.
Winnie: Omg, a whole pot of soup. Thank ya. Although food has never left you and you have never left food before, you gave me some. You're noble, far nobler than the Muhammad Gandhi !
Christine: You gave me some though you need 5 meals a day to be satisfied.
Wei Wen: You didn't say, "I'm going to box you" for once when I ordered only 1 bowl of rice. Thanks for your strand of Mee Hoon Kuay, and a few pieces of meat here and there.
Wei Liat: Though you need the essence to sustain your super bicep, you offered me your hot pot.
Muhammad: LOL! You're a joke. you gave me 2 drops of your curry. You're the kindest Malay I seen(I meant real, not sarcastic.)
Calista: Though you never order food, but I'm sure you secretly tell either of them to pass me some. : ) Thank ya
Whenever a battle for pride is concerned, I'm always getting into trouble with myself. It's really not about me. I don't mind not winning, I don't mind losing with glory. But, it is for the team, for TPJC and ultimately... ... it is for my partner, whom i always regarded as a champion, he didn't realise it.
I won't despair
But if we lost, you can put the blame on me...
not for O, not even for A, but for C
Friday, April 24, 2009 @ 11:24 PM
Not for O'level, not even for A levels, but for Canoeing!Canoeing has always been the hardest thing which i fought for. To compare the effort that I have put into my preparation for O'level and Canoeing is a gap that is further than the distance between heaven and earth. Ever since the day i exploded with resolution to make a change in 2008, JC1, away from gaming and gambling, my life changed. It was supposed to be for a good cause, it did serve its purpose. I wanted to be strong, i wanted to get stronger. Whatever it is, having a pathetic life is what I see as my failure for my inability to win a fair lady's heart - at least what I see as being most important at that point in time.
I did not accomplish anything much in particular. I did not win any spectacular medals, I am not incredibly strong. One thing for sure. I earned my life. Thank you Canoeing, you gave me the biggest thing in life that no educational certificate is able to give. You earned me strength that no training in the world can instill. You earned me resolve, that no amount of hate is able to give rise to. This journey, there is simply no amount of monetary value that is able to buy this authentic experience.
The curtain will close on April 26th 2009, TPJCanoeist(TPJ08) : The Last Stand. Before the curtain close, let me see you one more time, just once more is enough, one last time before I say goodbye. We have trained so hard, gone so far. Let's not worry about the rest and use every bit of our energy, our resolution, our courage, belief and faith and give everything we have to enjoy this race. For the team, for canoeing, let's pick up our paddle and make our last stand.
For the sports that we believe in. For Canoeing!
I did not accomplish anything much in particular. I did not win any spectacular medals, I am not incredibly strong. One thing for sure. I earned my life. Thank you Canoeing, you gave me the biggest thing in life that no educational certificate is able to give. You earned me strength that no training in the world can instill. You earned me resolve, that no amount of hate is able to give rise to. This journey, there is simply no amount of monetary value that is able to buy this authentic experience.
The curtain will close on April 26th 2009, TPJCanoeist(TPJ08) : The Last Stand. Before the curtain close, let me see you one more time, just once more is enough, one last time before I say goodbye. We have trained so hard, gone so far. Let's not worry about the rest and use every bit of our energy, our resolution, our courage, belief and faith and give everything we have to enjoy this race. For the team, for canoeing, let's pick up our paddle and make our last stand.
For the sports that we believe in. For Canoeing!
Labels: not even for A but for C, not for O
Always Outnumbered Never Outgunned
Thursday, April 23, 2009 @ 7:39 PM
The harder I try to find the exitThe faster i deliver myself to your hands
The more I struggle
The deeper I fall
I shut my eyes
But you appear in my vision
I turn away
But I see your reflections
You intruded my life
Helpless, I open fire
I had you surrounded
Yet you, always outnumbered but never outgunned
I know I'm not a blind person
But truth is often the hardest thing to see
I'm not biased
you're the worst thing in the world for me
Labels: Always Outnumbered Never Outgunned
A New Chapter: The Aftermath
Monday, April 20, 2009 @ 10:22 PM
"If you have never failed before, you can never say that you have truly won before."
Frankly, I wonder how long I'm going to get emotional over nationals, over failing what that has been entrusted upon me, over failing all the trust and faith that is placed on me. I'm pretty disturbed over opening my blog to such a dull start, to such emotional moments. In my life there has never been too many moments which has made me emotional about. The 1st being was love, and after that was still love. I'm glad, and almost too happy that I finally matured as a man, to have something real that I could actually be heartbroken for - that is canoeing.Fortunately, I see encouraging signs that all this trend of being emotional is going to end soon - that's when the phrase hit me in the face, in my brain, not from outside sources, that:
"If you have never failed before, you can never say that you have truly won before."
No 1 in this world can ever say that they can truly be proud of something that they have never work for before, and have never failed before. I always have my heads up to Calista, whose love in badminton knows no boundary, and Christine, whose determination stretch for as far as she have ran in track and field. And then there's Wei Wen, I don't know. She told me she has never NOT won a medal before in previous CCAs, so I guess I can close 1 eyes and term Wei Wen as a warrior too. I'm sure they have tried, have failed, and have been disappointed before, and maybe at 1 point in time they were even more distressed than I do. Today(National School Canoe Championship) is the day I, Kenneth, experiences total defeat and humiliation. What was unknown till today is that
"What i perceived to be my ultimate defeat turns out to be my ultimate victory."
Victory because, it plunge me into my own world of thoughts: emotional, hate, resolution and everything powerful in the human mind. This competition has become a source of power that I can tap on in future, the hate I have for myself, the passion I have to strive, and the hardship that it contained. I have learn many many things, this 1 competition alone may have all the experience that I need to learn this life time. At least, I'm into something real now. I have came such a long way, I have gave up everything I considered dear to me - Gambling, Gaming, Slacking. I have met a dear group of friends wiling to fight and die alongside competition. And maybe there was one point in time that I thought TPJC is going to be my last destination for my education because it's the last place where I simply like to go, I don't like to specialize in discipline like in Poly or University, but there is a reason for me now
...
...
Onward!
Arise!
Ex-TPJCian NUS Canoeist! The powers that you once served has need of you once again.
The National School Canoe Championship is just a significant milestone for me. It is soon, time to prepare for the next season - 4 years down the road. Just like Olympics are held every 4 years apart, it be the same for me. I'm gonna enter National Canoe Championship, 4 years later, representing NUS, if I win, I'll return to TPJC and find Mr. Chua where I can proudly say, this is the man who is the very beggining of this successful canoeist. Without him, there won't be me. Medals the competition may offer, it is only temporary, our spirits live forever! Take note ya Ignatius and don't be stuck down there in that hole of yours - (failure as a captain). Christine will be so. I don't know. You shorten her life span you know? You're heartbroken right? so change! your PM at least. Arise Ignatius, proud Captain of the 08/09 batch.
From Adam Van Koeverden's blog: Stress, Rest, Adapt, Improve.
Remember what I say here ya? This is the reason why this blog is created
...
...
...
because to merely survive anin't enough
Frankly, I wonder how long I'm going to get emotional over nationals, over failing what that has been entrusted upon me, over failing all the trust and faith that is placed on me. I'm pretty disturbed over opening my blog to such a dull start, to such emotional moments. In my life there has never been too many moments which has made me emotional about. The 1st being was love, and after that was still love. I'm glad, and almost too happy that I finally matured as a man, to have something real that I could actually be heartbroken for - that is canoeing.Fortunately, I see encouraging signs that all this trend of being emotional is going to end soon - that's when the phrase hit me in the face, in my brain, not from outside sources, that:
"If you have never failed before, you can never say that you have truly won before."
No 1 in this world can ever say that they can truly be proud of something that they have never work for before, and have never failed before. I always have my heads up to Calista, whose love in badminton knows no boundary, and Christine, whose determination stretch for as far as she have ran in track and field. And then there's Wei Wen, I don't know. She told me she has never NOT won a medal before in previous CCAs, so I guess I can close 1 eyes and term Wei Wen as a warrior too. I'm sure they have tried, have failed, and have been disappointed before, and maybe at 1 point in time they were even more distressed than I do. Today(National School Canoe Championship) is the day I, Kenneth, experiences total defeat and humiliation. What was unknown till today is that
"What i perceived to be my ultimate defeat turns out to be my ultimate victory."
Victory because, it plunge me into my own world of thoughts: emotional, hate, resolution and everything powerful in the human mind. This competition has become a source of power that I can tap on in future, the hate I have for myself, the passion I have to strive, and the hardship that it contained. I have learn many many things, this 1 competition alone may have all the experience that I need to learn this life time. At least, I'm into something real now. I have came such a long way, I have gave up everything I considered dear to me - Gambling, Gaming, Slacking. I have met a dear group of friends wiling to fight and die alongside competition. And maybe there was one point in time that I thought TPJC is going to be my last destination for my education because it's the last place where I simply like to go, I don't like to specialize in discipline like in Poly or University, but there is a reason for me now
...
...
Onward!
Arise!
Ex-TPJCian NUS Canoeist! The powers that you once served has need of you once again.
The National School Canoe Championship is just a significant milestone for me. It is soon, time to prepare for the next season - 4 years down the road. Just like Olympics are held every 4 years apart, it be the same for me. I'm gonna enter National Canoe Championship, 4 years later, representing NUS, if I win, I'll return to TPJC and find Mr. Chua where I can proudly say, this is the man who is the very beggining of this successful canoeist. Without him, there won't be me. Medals the competition may offer, it is only temporary, our spirits live forever! Take note ya Ignatius and don't be stuck down there in that hole of yours - (failure as a captain). Christine will be so. I don't know. You shorten her life span you know? You're heartbroken right? so change! your PM at least. Arise Ignatius, proud Captain of the 08/09 batch.
From Adam Van Koeverden's blog: Stress, Rest, Adapt, Improve.
Remember what I say here ya? This is the reason why this blog is created
...
...
...
because to merely survive anin't enough
National School Canoe Championship
Saturday, April 18, 2009 @ 9:43 PM
NATIONAL SCHOOL CANOE CHAMPIONSHIPThe competition is over. Many regrets, much guilt and disappointment there is, let’s just listen to this guy who is a top Canadian canoeist: “You have trained so hard for the past year, put every bit of your training into the race and make it a great one that you will be proud of.” Mistakes there may be, I’m sure our races, be it half screwed or screwed, be it fear or not, all of us have gave in the best we knew how to. To National School Canoe Championship 2009, though I wish to face you again, I hope you will never come back
14th Tuesday Day 1: A Far Fetched Dream, A Fading Reality
On Day 1 is our heat for K4 1000m. Since Day 1 when we began on our training on K4, my words have always been that 1000m we stood a chance, no matter how much they try to put me down, no matter how they claim that they can’t last. Our race apart from HCI and Raffles, the only competitor that is significant to us is CJC. Win them and we’ll be through.
I don’t understand. After paddling so long my instinct came back once again to haunt me. Sadly, I made the same mistake again – High Frequency. I swear this time it is different from the past. Over at NJCC it was just pure madness. I saw ACJC, and I hastily tried to catch up with them – “How can our burst even be slower than their maintenance?” That race was just purely scraping the surface after our starting burst. This time it’s different. At that point in time – I’m sure my frequency was OK! Every stroke is equally powerful and aggressive, so why? Why is it that Raffles and HCI still able to pull away so fast at our bursting stage? Why is it that when we die out at 500m, it is not a gradual decline out but a sudden death? We did that frequency before, we can last. It isn’t anything new, I’m sure… … so please tell me why?
At least, let me know the truth. If really it was my pace that has gotten everyone in trouble, then I’m terribly sorry – again.
The most possible chance to get into the Finals, it is now gone. If there is any chance of glory, it is now gone, so is my heart.
15th Wednesday Day 2 - K4: The Last March
… … Please tell me that every bit is worth fighting for. “There is always hope,” Aragon, Lord of the Rings. We have aimed for 1:45:00. Before we enter the race, I already knew that we’re going to go under 1:: 45:00 because of our newfound power, the limitless potential of our K4 and the reason for this? I walked out of the illustration that nothing can be done of our strokes – our stroke is highly flawed. The only agenda there is, every stroke must create drive! Drive … drive… drive… in the past, just how effective our 1 stroke is, we’re merely going with the water! This time we’re going to beat it! … … “You need to get a feel of the water.” – Coach Patrick.
Should we hit 1:45:00, I’ll be terribly happy and horribly upset, happy because we have hit our desired target. On a bad note, given just a month, we have obtained so much power, and there is still so much more. I can feel it, I can feel the power that’s awaiting me to obtain, and the reason being? Over at Bedok before NJCC, our sets were inconsistent, 2:01, 2:07, 2:10, 2:04 and just very luckily we hit 1:59 during 1 training. After NJCC after significant changes, our timing became consistent. 1:55, 1:55, 1:55 – without significant effort, we can still go a bit faster if we want to. What’s the only thing missing? Putting force is something we need to get used to, and 1 month of similar training can greatly increase how much force we can exert in 1 stroke. IT IS ENOUGH!
And what will the verdict be? – 1:45:00. Sigh. Is there still a need to justify? Should I have race like this for 1000m, we’ll be in the finals. To everyone who read this, I am deeply guilty. To the 3 person behind me and Mr. Chua and the pride of the guy’s team, this debt can only be repaid next life. If I and Xavier be born as twins, if I got his build, I go C2 with him. If he has my build, I’ll pull him over to K2 and break world record. “World Olympic C2/K2 champion record breakers begins career at TPJC.”
16th Thursday Day 3: By Demons Be Driven
Though we’re not part of the competition already, these prove to a day worst than the previous. I have managed to stabilize my mood a little, over the cost of failure. Today’s race feature Calista K1 and T1 in the semi-finals and Wei Wen T1 in Semi-finals. I camped in the tent the whole day, apathetic to my surroundings, what’s the use of seeing subsequent races? – they only deduct your life span.
Trying your best is one thing, winning is another. Calista and Wei Wen may have not gotten into the finals, but they gave it their all and performed up to their expectations. The worst thing is, as a guy, I really do not know what words to pull out of my hat. Trying to console them in any way is practically useless. We are not in their shoes; we do NOT have the capability to even get past our own heats, what credentials we then have to show that we understand what they’re going through. I really am at a loss. I knew I should say something but I do not have the right to. It doesn’t matter if I have the strongest mentality in the world, it doesn’t matter if I fear no tigers and lion, it doesn’t matter if I lost a race. Sometimes I wish I could race in their place and be the one feeling down and torn up instead. I repeatedly reminded myself that A GUY HAS TO BE STRONG! HE CANNOT BE FEEBLE. I realized this after 6 years of gambling, 4 years of Maple story. Screw my past. Why can’t I excel in something in those days? I’m such a failure. I have qualification to neither cheer them up nor provide them motivation and anyone in this world. Dream to be a motivational speaker? I deserve a bloody slap on my face. Wake up Kenneth, wake up your idea, don’t f*** around. STOP pretending to try be a MAN cause you fail miserably.
17th Friday Day 4: The Miracle Pill
14th Tuesday Day 1: A Far Fetched Dream, A Fading Reality
On Day 1 is our heat for K4 1000m. Since Day 1 when we began on our training on K4, my words have always been that 1000m we stood a chance, no matter how much they try to put me down, no matter how they claim that they can’t last. Our race apart from HCI and Raffles, the only competitor that is significant to us is CJC. Win them and we’ll be through.
I don’t understand. After paddling so long my instinct came back once again to haunt me. Sadly, I made the same mistake again – High Frequency. I swear this time it is different from the past. Over at NJCC it was just pure madness. I saw ACJC, and I hastily tried to catch up with them – “How can our burst even be slower than their maintenance?” That race was just purely scraping the surface after our starting burst. This time it’s different. At that point in time – I’m sure my frequency was OK! Every stroke is equally powerful and aggressive, so why? Why is it that Raffles and HCI still able to pull away so fast at our bursting stage? Why is it that when we die out at 500m, it is not a gradual decline out but a sudden death? We did that frequency before, we can last. It isn’t anything new, I’m sure… … so please tell me why?
At least, let me know the truth. If really it was my pace that has gotten everyone in trouble, then I’m terribly sorry – again.
The most possible chance to get into the Finals, it is now gone. If there is any chance of glory, it is now gone, so is my heart.
15th Wednesday Day 2 - K4: The Last March
… … Please tell me that every bit is worth fighting for. “There is always hope,” Aragon, Lord of the Rings. We have aimed for 1:45:00. Before we enter the race, I already knew that we’re going to go under 1:: 45:00 because of our newfound power, the limitless potential of our K4 and the reason for this? I walked out of the illustration that nothing can be done of our strokes – our stroke is highly flawed. The only agenda there is, every stroke must create drive! Drive … drive… drive… in the past, just how effective our 1 stroke is, we’re merely going with the water! This time we’re going to beat it! … … “You need to get a feel of the water.” – Coach Patrick.
Should we hit 1:45:00, I’ll be terribly happy and horribly upset, happy because we have hit our desired target. On a bad note, given just a month, we have obtained so much power, and there is still so much more. I can feel it, I can feel the power that’s awaiting me to obtain, and the reason being? Over at Bedok before NJCC, our sets were inconsistent, 2:01, 2:07, 2:10, 2:04 and just very luckily we hit 1:59 during 1 training. After NJCC after significant changes, our timing became consistent. 1:55, 1:55, 1:55 – without significant effort, we can still go a bit faster if we want to. What’s the only thing missing? Putting force is something we need to get used to, and 1 month of similar training can greatly increase how much force we can exert in 1 stroke. IT IS ENOUGH!
And what will the verdict be? – 1:45:00. Sigh. Is there still a need to justify? Should I have race like this for 1000m, we’ll be in the finals. To everyone who read this, I am deeply guilty. To the 3 person behind me and Mr. Chua and the pride of the guy’s team, this debt can only be repaid next life. If I and Xavier be born as twins, if I got his build, I go C2 with him. If he has my build, I’ll pull him over to K2 and break world record. “World Olympic C2/K2 champion record breakers begins career at TPJC.”
16th Thursday Day 3: By Demons Be Driven
Though we’re not part of the competition already, these prove to a day worst than the previous. I have managed to stabilize my mood a little, over the cost of failure. Today’s race feature Calista K1 and T1 in the semi-finals and Wei Wen T1 in Semi-finals. I camped in the tent the whole day, apathetic to my surroundings, what’s the use of seeing subsequent races? – they only deduct your life span.
Trying your best is one thing, winning is another. Calista and Wei Wen may have not gotten into the finals, but they gave it their all and performed up to their expectations. The worst thing is, as a guy, I really do not know what words to pull out of my hat. Trying to console them in any way is practically useless. We are not in their shoes; we do NOT have the capability to even get past our own heats, what credentials we then have to show that we understand what they’re going through. I really am at a loss. I knew I should say something but I do not have the right to. It doesn’t matter if I have the strongest mentality in the world, it doesn’t matter if I fear no tigers and lion, it doesn’t matter if I lost a race. Sometimes I wish I could race in their place and be the one feeling down and torn up instead. I repeatedly reminded myself that A GUY HAS TO BE STRONG! HE CANNOT BE FEEBLE. I realized this after 6 years of gambling, 4 years of Maple story. Screw my past. Why can’t I excel in something in those days? I’m such a failure. I have qualification to neither cheer them up nor provide them motivation and anyone in this world. Dream to be a motivational speaker? I deserve a bloody slap on my face. Wake up Kenneth, wake up your idea, don’t f*** around. STOP pretending to try be a MAN cause you fail miserably.
17th Friday Day 4: The Miracle Pill
Today is the final day and Christine’s race. I feel so proud of her and so sorry for myself. It’s a good feeling to see your teammate raping everyone and making their balls shrink on the field. Everybody is worried for her but I’m not. Cause if there’s any one in this world, I know its Christine whose mentality and courage are stronger than mine. She won’t win, she will definitely win. She cannot guarantee that she will win, because there’s a clear line between winning and thrashing. She won’t win. She’ll thrash.
The reason why I don’t watch races is because of this 1 major flaw about me – Jealousy and Ego. I’m bleeding with jealousy that I can’t be as good as the rest and choking on my own ego for always desiring to triumph other people. For Christine, for TPJC Canoeist, for the hate I have in myself, I will watch from the start till the end to see how Christine will clinch the title. I will force myself to swallow this jealousy and drop my own ego.
I need a change, for only such self demolishing feeling can make me wake up and improve, and to really start being a better person and more importantly, stop making past mistake and start being a MAN.
The reason why I don’t watch races is because of this 1 major flaw about me – Jealousy and Ego. I’m bleeding with jealousy that I can’t be as good as the rest and choking on my own ego for always desiring to triumph other people. For Christine, for TPJC Canoeist, for the hate I have in myself, I will watch from the start till the end to see how Christine will clinch the title. I will force myself to swallow this jealousy and drop my own ego.
I need a change, for only such self demolishing feeling can make me wake up and improve, and to really start being a better person and more importantly, stop making past mistake and start being a MAN.