It goes like this. Sometimes, the difference in the level gap is just like the story of the monkey and the moon. For one, the monkey can never reach to where the moon is. He can only stare at the reflection of the moon on the water. Although it is seemingly close, the moment he try to reach it, he will only crash into the water and make him look stupid. Sometimes there are some things that are fated and, no matter how hard we try, we' are not going to achieve it. This applies for something that is tangible in nature, something that vary directly with what you put in. This applies for results too. Sometimes it is just not meant for us. Don’t believe too much in cliche things like, “you can if you try hard enough.” Sometimes, abnormalities occur, and remember this story when it applies to you one day.
At that moment, of course, being an innocent me, I couldn’t help but feel threatened(below) I kind of black out. I started to picture the dreadful consequences if I dare fail. Those foreign aid from Priscillia and Elvis will be GONE. All my dreams, gone, vanish. In fact, it feels as if, A level would just end here. But then, cannot la. They would be angry if I spend more time thinking of them than on my paper. At least, fail also must fail with pride.
Therefore, I pull myself together and focus. I know everything good hinges upon this, what I can do for this paper. I’m not the only one feeling the heat. It’s strange. For this moment one more person came into my thoughts. It’s strange but it’s my coach, Mr. Chua. I remembered those words he say on: You mustn’t fear the waves and tide. The waves don’t affect just you alone. To win, you must let it affect you least. That’s how it is.” My world immediately stabilized. Color is once again restored(below) and I’m ready to embrace the enemy before me.
And I rose up to the challenge. I know that, success/failure would be 2h 15mins again. Even if I don’t make it, I must still leave the examination and tell myself: You may kill me but you may never insult me. Others may fear you but not me. Others may be intimated but not me. Others may suffer you but not me. So come forward and have a taste of how it would feels like to be slice up by a knowledge that has the depth of H1000. Even if it means faking up a fierce front, I’ll do it. ROAR!
CHARGE! For Econs!
Was talking to my friend when I dig up this old poem of mine. Written for her during the collection of O’level mother tongue results
The day of the release of results is a terrible day
The fruit of the long anticipation hardly pays
Seeing a heartbroken you hurt me in many ways
I’m thinking of ways to cheer you up as always
I see you alone at a corner on the phone
You seemed to be lost, in a world of your own
With your shattered hopes that are unknown
I hesitated to confront you, my feelings unshown
Today was the first time I saw your tears
It is the most saddening day for me after all these years
I had no chance to get close to you with all your peers
To rid your heart and mind of all the fears
Many a times you moved away whenever I gotten too close
It feels so bad it feels like I’m fed with drugs in a big dose
In your eyes I wish to be treated like gold
So that you still find me purposeful to be with even when you’re old
I may have failed in my attempt to cheer you up back there
However I will try harder to get you out of this nightmare
And with the many successes and failures out there
I’m sure one day your disappointments I will share
I may be happy but don’t perceive me as if I don’t care
It hurts me very much to see you like this I swear
Even though this scenario is very rare
I hope never will I see it again anywhere
I’m writing this little piece to you
I think it might be a little out of the blue
It might not get you over the moon
But it will get you to a place where flowers bloom
100%.
I charged in on the opening of exam thinking that everything is under my grasp and I’m ready to score. Things became surprisingly awful ever since day 1(Geography). My mentality has switched from scoring to largely avoiding damage now.
Hmmm. Tomorrow is case study for Economics. I’m left with 25%.
I’m living on borrowed energy. I exhausted too much energy thinking of what will happen if I failed to perform. It comes at a huge price because, if I don’t do well, no one will have confidence in me to teach and educate anymore. I love to teach and teaching is central to me. I regret realizing this too late. Oh well. What we can do now is limited. Seriously, I dedicate my thanks to the 2 person who have really been very supportive, Priscillia and my Senior(just input it in when I’m allowed to, for now, make you a bit mysterious). Kenneth wouldn’t have made this here this far without the support. The cost of failure is too great. It’s like lottery, with only 1 successful codeword for the most prized reward, but many ways to be ousted.
Exam is drawing to an end soon. Do I still have the luxury of aiming high? After all, this is the first time I ventured into an examination feeling so prepared. However, the outcome didn’t left me feeling the same way. Nonetheless, it is not the end until it’s the end. Disappointment, reluctance, anguish, and discontentment will no longer be obstacle. They will be grounded to dust.
Roar!! 25% Left. I have not much confidence for exam this time round. Ironically, the exam I’m the most prepared for is the one I think I will fare the worst for. Nonetheless, there is some strength to this, most important exam in my timeline. I guess, time management, strategy and approach was well done though I don’t think the answer is.
It’s ok. Last 25%. I don’t care how things turn out already. I’m going to use my remaining time and energy to enjoy what’s there for me to enjoy. It’s the process that count, the process of applying all the strategies that you have honed, all the friendship as support that you have, and most importantly there is something I learned that money can’t buy. I have learned that support, true genuine support, especially yours Senior, and from you too Priscillia, is something that is impossible to experience. A level won’t come again. I want that support, but I’m scared to impose on you. Oh well. Tomorrow is econ case study. I’m going to have to think of you again, while I still can before there’s no more econ. Talk nonsense! After econ, thinking about you is still made compulsory!
Thirsty, hungry, desperate, hopeless. That was how I felt after my Geography Paper. I inherited my senior’s notes. Hence I inherited her strong points: Weathering. If you take Geography, you know how difficult it is to master weathering, what more in a week. I done it but nothing from weathering came out. Sad shit.
Oh well. Look at the big picture. I mastered weathering. I mastered confidence. I seriously believe that confidence is invaluable. No matter how much of mugging, it cannot buy you that. Though it cannot be used, I’m sure it buy me calmness, bought me relaxation as well as confidence.
But then, sigh. Human geography, my forte was no help. Man. Just when I was on the verge of giving up, I open up the newspaper, 1st page, I saw this “Michael Schumacher: It's not the end until it's the end” OMG. Thanks! Rush already. HAHA. come on. It’s the 7 times world champion for F1 saying this. Other people are vying for the 1st place in F1, yours A level only.
Let’s rush. Push. Everything’s in control, is within reach. Hang on to Mdm Yang’s words: Focus!
Quote of the Day:
Life is an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
--Carl Sandburg
Ever since the day I have step into TPJC, I have never picture life as to where I am now. This is not in the sense of being overwhelmed in studies, neither is it about anxiety for exams. However, in the span of just one week, I have realize some things and truth that I have never thought was possible, as well as some things about myself.
Sometimes when you get too obsessed over some tasks, you will never be able to realize how off you are from accomplishing it. It may be that, I'm losing control over what I'm studying, losing my plan over what I am suppose to do. Nonetheless, all this signs do not seem to impress me about the gravity of the situation that I'm in. That's the thing that I never thought was possible. I didn't imagine that I will live to one day see that I'm in a very shape without me knowing myself. I have led a life without ever knowing what it's like to be in hell without knowing. I always know that I'm in trouble, because I haven't study enough or I probably didn't have a plan. What I failed to realize, until yesterday is that, what got me into trouble is not what I don't know. It's what I know for sure that just ain' so. I realize that I always know the source to my problem but it turns out to be wrong. My own problem is my own failure to seek aid. But perhaps I haven't seek aid my entire life that I forgotten how to.
Perhaps. if you ever encounter something that you think is your ultimate victory, it may turn out to be your ultimate defeat. From this I mean events like, if you think doing well for exam is going to make you succeed in every aspect of your life and be complacent afterwards, you're wrong and that thinking will be your undoing. Likewise, the other way can happen too. What you think is your ultimate defeat might turn out to be your ultimate victory. By this I mean my taking up of Geography. I always thought I have taken up the wrong subject due to the mismatch of tutors, after all she really is twisted in her treatment towards me. Never mind this. Rather, my taking of Geography might have been my life saver. For one thing, because of Geography, I have been attracted to aid and aid has come to me.
Rather more surprisingly, perhaps it's been a very very long time since someone has helped me out so sincerely before. It's to an extent that, I really don't know. Maybe all this while of being exposed in a JC environment has been such that, I don't know what's call help anymore. I can't even have a good chat you know. Every conversation is like, so one sided engagement. A paragraph of messages are entertained by a word or two. Help offered are returned with lame gestures or rather, I can actually be made worst off by offering help. Somehow, her help to me was like light coming to me in a light forsaken place. Her words came as nourishments to my aged bone, nutrients for my drained mind, energy for my torn spirit and motivation for my fading confidence. I mean, seriously. I don't know how to thank those who have, so, uh, rather, I have never feel something so genuine before. If anything, she said a lot of things, that I really hope I will never forget. So I'm recording all this now, here.
1) Balance out. Don't too intensive on 1 subject. Spread out. Retain the momentum
2) You're in canoeing right. You know how important it is to spread out your race evenly.
3) You know sleep's important. Everyone got different study pattern. This one is ultimate: "At night you tell the person you study a lot, she said she study none. When early morning she say she study a lot, you say you study none. She study night you study day." HAHA!
4) The closest friend makes the worst study partners(This is wow. I mean like. Exactly the situation I'm placed in. When friendship start tearing apart, you begin to wonder if everything that you have been true is nothing but a dream. Oh well, I'm relieved that someone gone through the same.) I asked her how she study during this period in time. She says she study alone because what friends do is just to stress you out. She expressed what I have express long time ago, to myself. HAHA!
Hmm. I really don't know how to maintain this kind of relationship. I really really hate to ask people for help, much less than ask people for notes. I fear that the outcome would be a relationship built on notes. After examination, everything will just tear asunder. If life has ever taught me anything, I guess it would be the lesson on gratitude. This month, I have written out 10 blog post, halfway through and I lost the inspiration and so I cancel it altogether. The blog after all, is a record of my journey in life. I mean, if not for this event, I want to declare that My A level would be gone! No doubts. I have no seniors in primary and secondary school and I have always criticize the prospect of even having close seniors. However, what this event has taught me is really beyond what words can express. Someone who help you, someone who understand how you feels, someone who have gone through what you're going through now and someone who has the solution for you and most importantly, someone who helped you sincerely. If anything, meeting her is worth more than studying for 10000 hours. If anything, studying can never get you confidence, spirit, strength and courage. I don' know how to express this gratitude to her. The only way I know how to, is by the length of this post. I don't know if I will ever give you my link for you to view this since it's a bit odd out of a guy. But if I do have the courage, don't let your impression of me being someone huge, and fierce, and commanding be changed. ok? Thank you. Anyway, her notes, state this:
"To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do, that is the strength of human will. To trust yourself to test your limits, That is the courage to succeed."