This blog is created to honour the end of my Nationals Inter-School Canoe Championship 2009 and the end of a Canoeist Career in Junior College.
The 1st few post will be dedicated towards the setting up of this blog and will convey my thoughts and feeling over the 4 days event to honour the Sports
which I really believe in, fought for, bleed for and gave my life to.
It's not just about ego. It's about me
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 @ 10:06 PM
Ego: An opinion that you have of yourself ; self image ; self-importance;I'm living a life that's more geared towards the understanding of this controversial term which I once thought was absent in me. I always thought that it had been undesirable, and for the most part I have tried my best to stay away from its influence, both consciously and unconsciously. I have tried to be humble, to be more accepting, to avoid being self-conceited and all other things I can think of so that I can dis-associate myself with the term in any form, in every way. However, the recent development in my life seem to lure me into it, and in fact now I seem so surrounded by it that I have no explainable for.
The 1st evidence of its influence is that my thinking has led me to increasingly categorize events/system/objects as being superior or non superior. I am increasingly categorizing people into the smart/stupid category, categorizing good questions from stupid ones, differentiating the good and the bad. The notion that I once possessed to treat everything in its neutral entity, to regard everything as equal, is gone, replaced by a thinking that categorize objects according to its superiority with me as the reference point.
The 2nd evidence is that, and perhaps my nature, I really really can't stand people asking someone else questions in front of me. Maybe it's my ego that I'm better than that person, and perhaps its my passion that long for the love to teach. And maybe from someone's point of view, It's really ok to ask. I mean, consciously, I perceive it to be perfectly fine. However, my sub conscious seem to be at odd with me on this subject. I preferred to be asked and I refused to ask others. I have try to hide it by creating the impression that I'm a hardcore thinker and love to dwell in problems but yet in reality I'm not.
And when I'm increasing prioritizing studies above all else, scoring isn't such a simple thing anymore. In fact, I want to dominate. I want to dominate, so badly. There's really no explanation for all the mentality that has existed in me, and the rise of this egoism. I have tried reasoning it out against my sub-consciousness every tangible moments but yet I could find nothing to suppress. There are many more that I have yet to include but I shall cut short for my bedtime draws near in preparation for another tiresome day tomorrow. For now, perhaps it's not or never just about ego, I guess it's about a part of me that I have failed to understand, and every now and then I ponder. For I refuse to accept what is reality, refuse to accept something that is so undesirable to mankind, and refuse to accept something so contradicting to a state of character perfection that I pursue. I guess I should learn to take take a deep breathe or take things easy.